Dad-of-3 welcomes new baby with wife, expects her stop their clingy 4-year-old to while she deals with their 3-year-old and 2-week-old: 'I don't want to be bad cop every time'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Jan 17, 2025 6:00 PM EST

Many may say that being a parent is one of the most rewarding things that a person can do, but it certainly doesn't come without its struggles. This is especially true when you have more than one child and those kids are young. Even those who are co-parenting with the most supportive of partners will likely have moments where the whole thing feels like more of a struggle than expected. No parenting journey is always plain sailing.

Nonetheless, no matter how many times a mom or dad might try to remind themselves that not every day with their kids can be perfect there is still the urge to find somebody to blame. If this isn't expressed to the children, it probably falls on a partner—causing added strain in a situation that is already stressful. While they may be at fault, care has to be taken with how that is addressed. 

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  • This is what one couple was having trouble with recently. In the couple of weeks since welcoming their third child, the husband had been having difficulties with their ‘daddy’s girl' oldest daughter trying to draw his time and attention away from the new baby because of jealousy. The dad felt like his wife was not giving him adequate backup when it came to setting boundaries, but she got angry at him with the reasoning that she was already juggling a lot of responsibility. This led her husband to question whether he had been unreasonable in his request to her. 

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    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for telling my wife I need her to back up my parenting?

    I (29M) have three kids. My oldest daughter will be 5 in April, my son is 3, and I have a newborn daughter who is 2wks old right now. My oldest (let's call her Alice) has always preferred me - a "daddy's girl" since the very beginning. She was a bit jealous when her brother was born, but ultimately was too little to really understand and it just kind of blew over. This time? Not so much!
    via cupcaketoaster87
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    Every since the baby came home, Alice has been attached to my side - literally and figuratively. Monsters always appear in her closet whenever I'm taking care of the baby, monsters that only I can "get rid of" - apparently I'm magic that way. Alice wants to be carried everywhere, and won't go to sleep unless I rock her in the rocking chair. When she woke up one morning and saw me giving the baby a bottle, she got upset and tried to shove her way onto my lap.
    via cupcaketoaster87
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    I asked my wife for help with the situation. I explained that I don't want to be bad cop everytime Alice is clinging to me or demanding something, (like the "carry me" tantrums) so I'd really appreciate it if she'd back me up - a verbal warning, or helping me remove Alice from my leg. She got mad at me for this. She said that she's got a lot on her plate already, doesn't think she needs to get involved in this. And that we don't need to "make a fuss" over "a phase that's going to go away eventua
    via cupcaketoaster87
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    While commenters could see that he was struggling, many also asked him to reconsider his wife's perspective.

    NAH. While I get what you're saying, I don't actually think your wife giving her a verbal warning is going to help this situation. She's a daddy's girl, daddy is going to have to be clear on his own boundaries. What are the consequences when she tries to push her way onto your lap or other unwanted behavior? She's definitely old enough for some kind of discipline method. Also, your wife is only 2 weeks post-partum, I don't think you can really expect her to physically pull off a 5-year-old at th
    via algunarubia
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    Lucky-Possession3802 I totally agree with this. You guys are in the trenches. Yes, you need to be on the same page. But oh my God, two weeks? Your wife is bl_ding, covered in curdled milk, sore, maybe even still wearing ice packs in her diaper underwear. Her organs are rearranging themselves. She's keeping a tiny human alive, maybe (if she's breastfeeding) solely with the labor of her already exhausted body. When was the last time she brushed her hair? Showered without interruption? She can't be
    via Lucky-Possession3802
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    PrincessCG He's asking her to be the bad guy by intervening. That doesn't sit right with me. She already has a lot going on and creating a constant negative interaction between Alice and the mum is going to make their relationship worse. I hope OP takes on the advice about getting Alice her own baby doll.
    via PrincessCG
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    fostermonster555 YTA. your wife has a two week old new born this isn't the same as you having a new born. New borns are hyper dependent on their mothers. Your wife is carrying 90% of the weight with the newborn. I agree with her. She has way too much on her plate. Handle this yourself.
    via fostermonster555
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    Someunluckystuff YTA. Your wife has just had a baby, and like you said she's a daddy's girl so she's gonna listen to you. Yes you have to be the bad guy sometimes, it can't always be your wife. Like you said it blew over last time, and it's also expected as it's another baby and a big change, she's only a baby herself, it's hard for her to understand
    via Someunluckystuff
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    TiredAnd Tired Ofit YTA for the following: 1. LYING/MANIPULATING: You are NOT asking her to "back up your parenting". You are asking her to be the "bad cop" and wrestle your child off you because YOU cannot be bothered to set reasonable limits re your time and body with your daughter. 2. EXTREME LACK OF CARE FOR YOUR WIFE'S PHYSICAL INJURIES. A woman who gave birth 2 weeks ago has a wound the size of a dinnerplate inside her. Not to mention strained ligaments and torn . And you want her to wrest
    via TiredAndTiredOfIt
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    SadBefore Mad Don't forget he's not even acknowledging her giving birth to all 3 kids. He's just claiming they're his while casually dropping his wife gave birth. To what? THEIR kid? Or a fertilized egg he deposited into her? Is she actually his wife or is she just a baby making machine?
    via SadBeforeMad
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    Traditional-Load8228 I don't know who really is the AH here but I'll tell you that moms generally have to carry so much of mental load of handling everything with kids that you asking her to referee something that's inconveniencing you is probably just one more straw on that camels back. You should be able to take care of this. You're a parent. Figure it out. Or instead of just telling your wife to make it happen, suggest that you take the baby for an afternoon so your wife and the older one cou
    via Traditional-Load8228
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    jamintime YTA. You want your wife to discipline Alice for her attachment to you? That makes no sense. You say you don't always want to be the bad guy but it seems like you NEVER want to be the bad guy. If Alice goes to you and demands attention there is a reason: you are the one giving it to her. Your wife is ALREADY backing up your request by NOT giving in to Alices demands for attention, now it's your turn to do your part and do the same. Sounds like you just love being the favorite parent and
    via jamintime
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    katieintheozarks Wait. Tell Alice no?? It sounds like you want your wife to be the bad guy and you are the pushover.
    via katieintheozarks
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    Difficult-Egg-9954 Is Alice perhaps interested in having a "baby" of her own to do copy the things you do with the baby at the same time? Would it be possible to turn it into a play where you are showing her how to take care of her baby while taking care of yours? Her jealousy is normal as she feels she has competition for your attention as you now have another daughter.
    via Difficult-Egg-9954
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    Mean-Impress2103 I'm surprised so many people think a 5 year old needs to be disciplined essentially for wanting to be loved. She's crying out for affection and you want to punish her for it? Honestly that's crazy to me. I get that sometimes you need her to just relax but you are going to cause lasting harm to the relationship between siblings if you insist on punishing her for being jealous of the baby.
    via Mean-Impress2103
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    Standard-Park Absolutely SHOCKING she's only 5 years old, practically a baby herself. My (at the time) 3 year old went through a potty training regression when I had my youngest. She was just anxious, stressed and I'm sure jealous of the new baby. It never would have crossed our minds to punish her for wetting. She just got extra love and reassurance and we tried to include her in helping with "her baby" she snapped out of it in less then a month.
    via Standard-Park
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    KuramaWhip420 YTA. Your wife is two weeks post partum and has a lot going in internally and externally. Figure it out, you're also a parent.
    via KuramaWhip420
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    GraceOfTheNorth So you want your wife to be the bad guy so you don't have to after playing good guy all these years with your oldest. Unfair ask of you, YOU are the one who needs to set this boundary, not your wife. ΥΤΑ
    via GraceOfTheNorth
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    hadesarrow3 "So you don't have to" the thing that gets me is that this is not a situation that requires anyone to be a "bad guy." It calls for empathy and patience. What OP seems to actually mean is that he wants his wife to be the bad guy so he doesn't have to be subjected to his daughter's uncomfortable emotions.
    via hadesarrow3
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    lizzietnz I'm just curious, but what's with all the "I" and "my". They are your wife's kids too. Might help if you start thinking about the situation as "our".
    via lizzietnz
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    AdventurousSalad3785 YTA. Your wife is freshly postpartum. You should be handling the bigger kids so she can focus on healing and the newborn-brand new babies need mom more than dad, sorry. Especially if she's breastfeeding. And she probably won't listen anyway if she's that intensely a daddy's girl. You're going to need to reinforce this boundary yourself.
    via AdventurousSalad3785
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    Because-I-Can68 Not so much the AH, more like just clueless.. ONLY YOU can set the boundaries with your daughter over your body and attention. By feeding into her whims you are setting the tone. However as long as you talk to her and or maybe include her in helping you care for the baby she will adjust better and quicker. You are causing a conflict that could carry on for many years other wise.
    via Because-I-Can68

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